Breaking Open
On hard years, small boxes, and wobbly-kneed courage
This has been a hard year. Like really hard. I have had plenty of them. The years I spent battling addiction were brutal. The first few years of sobriety were grueling. They definitely stand out as some of the most difficult years of my life. Some years are indelibly marked by loss, like the death of a loved one or the death of a marriage. But some years are just hard because life is hard. We have run-of-the-mill challenges. Money is tight. You moved across the country. You changed careers. You are in the decade-long grind of parenting little ones.
I didn’t have any of those things this year. On the surface, everything was status quo. Ken and I logged another year living aboard our sailboat, Remedy. We got to visit the Bahamas again. And we spent several months in Maine, which was magical! Over the course of the year, various family and friends spent 47 nights aboard with us in our very small, but cozy, floating home. We got to reunite with friends and family in Annapolis. There was so much to be thankful for and celebrate this year. To say that this year was hard does not diminish one iota of that. It was both delightful and difficult.
Most of what was hard this year was growing pains. God began revealing patterns in my life—ways I learned long ago to navigate people and situations. I became an expert at reading rooms, managing others’ emotions, and avoiding conflict. I learned to placate, pacify, and please. All of these strategies once protected me. But somewhere along the way, I’d made myself small.
I was having dinner with a friend recently, trying to articulate what this year has felt like. We talked about how I feel powerless in certain situations—hemmed in by old dynamics I’m trying to outgrow and by circumstances beyond my control. But also how I’m not without agency. How even from within this box, I’m trying to learn to push against its edges, to speak up, to set boundaries.
Our conversation reminded me of something my friend Suzanne said earlier this year. She pictured me like one of those Russian nesting dolls. Over time, I had become smaller and smaller, closer to the inner doll. But there, in the womb of these dolls, she could see God’s love, security, and safety helping me break free and grow more fully into who he created me to be.
God has given me plenty of opportunities to grow this year—opportunities to trust my instincts, to trust the Spirit within me, to use my voice, and to create boundaries. It has been uncomfortable. All of it has been hard and created tension, both within me and around me. My counselor warned me this would happen. People come to expect certain things from us, and when we start to change and break patterns they have grown accustomed to, we will experience resistance and pushback. And I can confirm that to be true.
For some in my life, it may seem like a departure, but for me, I pray it is a return—a return to myself, a return to the Lord. As my friend Ruthie often reminds me, this is what repentance looks like for me. But it is scary and hard. I feel a bit awkward and wobbly-kneed, like I am learning to walk all over again. Some days, I take a few bold steps. Other days, my knees give way, and I collapse in on myself. But I believe that if nothing changes, nothing changes. And I am ready for change, even if, in the near future, it means enduring growing pains. So I keep getting up, dusting myself off, and with God’s help, trying to take the next step.
Love,
CC
P.S. I would love to hear from you! Was there a particular theme or passage the Spirit kept drawing you to this year? Was there an area in your life where you saw growth this year? What was one way God met with you this year? If you are comfortable, share in the comments below or send me an email at ccole@wholeheartedproject.org.
P.P.S. Read on below for a few additional items of note!
A Glimpse At This Year
This year, through The WholeHearted Project, I was able to:
Provide 76 hours of free coaching to people in ministry, navigating the complex dynamics and demands of ministry, and to people desiring hope, healing, and freedom in specific areas of their lives.
Write 11 new articles, including a 3-part series on the church, which were the most-read articles of this year:
Create a new resource on our identity as sinner, saint, sufferer, and child. (You can download it for free here.)
Develop and teach two new Bible studies: one on Colossians and one on Women in the Bible.
Facilitate a group of 6 women in a Confessional Community Group through Dr. Curt Thompson’s Center for Being Known.
Lead a WholeHearted women’s retreat, helping women connect their specific stories of sin, shame, and suffering to the larger narrative of the Bible.
At the end of the year, many of you begin to consider year-end giving. If you are interested in contributing toward the creation of resources through The WholeHearted Project, I would be tremendously grateful. You can do so in two ways:
Become a Paid Substack Subscriber
Give a one-time or recurring donation:
To those of you who contributed financially to the WholeHearted Project this year, through paid Substack subscriptions or other donations, thank you! There are many people and organizations worthy of your investment. Whenever I feel discouraged and tempted to quit, your belief and investment in the work I am doing encourage me to keep going. I am not changing the world, but hopefully I helping people encounter Christ and being faithful with what God has entrusted to me. Your support makes it possible. Thank you!
In Matthew 25, Jesus said:
“I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’” (Matthew 25:35-40).
When I think of this passage, two organizations come to mind: Mercy Chefs and Set Free Alliance.
1. Mercy Chefs
Mercy Chefs began in 2006 after Hurricane Katrina. Since then, they have sent teams to disaster zones across the country and around the globe to serve people right in their own backyard—sometimes in natural disaster zones, other times in war zones. But every time, Mercy Chefs brings the love and mercy of Christ to people in vulnerable and desperate situations. To date, Mercy Chefs has already served over 32 million meals. The video below shares the heart behind their work. If you would like to contribute to their efforts, you can give here.
Set Free is on a mission to provide freedom through Christ. They believe that they cannot make disciples of Christ if children are enslaved and have no way of hearing who Christ is and how much he loves them, if a mother is too weak from hunger to listen and absorb the Good News, or if a father dies because of a water-borne disease, never hearing the name Jesus Christ. 150,000 children are enslaved in India every year. 844 million people don’t have access to clean water. Set Free Alliance works to rescue children from slavery, and provide clean water and medical aid to those in need. If you would like to partner with them in that mission, you can do so here.
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This was really meaningful to me, Chrystie. Thank you!